An Uncomfortable Post
Let’s talk about something people don’t like to discuss. Hey, it’s my blog and it’s on my mind. I’m writing it.I’ve been married now for 17 years. I love my husband, and I KNOW I have a good one. How do I know? Well, because things weren’t always this way.
I had a very brief first marriage. I hate to even count it, because I left at six months. I knew a few weeks into the marriage that I would. I don’t know why I waited that long. I wanted to leave, I needed to leave, but I was afraid.
I was afraid of him, and the battle it would be to get away. I was afraid of what my family and friends would think. How do you tell your Grandma you’re getting divorced?! No, I just couldn’t. I kept putting it off. Things kept getting worse. I knew they would, it was no surprise.
Other people have had marriages much worse than that one was. I’m not claiming I lived through hell, but it was not pleasant.
When women are battered, people often wonder, why didn’t she just leave? Well, I know why.
She feels like she can’t. She is afraid what he will do to her if she tries to leave. She is afraid what people will think. She doesn’t have enough money to survive on her own. She has heard how ugly and stupid and worthless she is so many times, she has finally started to believe it.
I was her. But I was lucky. I had good parents that were a loving example to me. I knew I deserved a better life than the one I was living. I knew it would just be a matter of time, and something would be bad enough to make me finally leave.
When the time came, sooner rather than later, it was like I woke up. I realized I was so much better without him. I didn’t care if I was alone, or broke, or what people thought or how hard it was to get out. My life would be MINE again. I made the break.
My family welcomed me. My friends comforted me. Grandma understood. I started building my life again.
No, he didn’t let me go easily, and no divorce is fun. I had to battle him and I had to battle the way I thought about myself. It is very hard to change your inner voice.
I am thankful we didn’t have children. One of the reasons I had to leave was because I did want to have kids someday, and I couldn’t let them have a dad like that.
I am happy, and thankful for the life I have. My life could have gone so many ways, and I’m thankful I followed my heart. Your heart will lead you well, if you listen to it.
If you are in a situation like this in West Virginia, I have a website for you. Please, before you click, understand that where you go online can be tracked in your computer. If you have to, for safety’s sake, please use a computer at a library or other safe place. Visit this site, The West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They can help you get away safely so you can begin your life again, too.
You are very worthy, you are smart and you are beautiful. You deserve a happy life.
*** If this touched you in any way, I’d like to invite you to read a series on Living With Addiction by my friend Lysa Napolitano. Her blog is called Central Florida Thru My Eyes and she is an accomplished photographer as well as extremely honest writer. ***
November 15th, 2007 at 9:38 am
oh Sarah, you will help so many women with this post, as difficult as it may have been to write. I love it that you even suggest they use a public computer to keep themselves safe. NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE BATTERED, VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. We were meant to be loved.
November 16th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Yes, you certainly do. I was in a first marriage too. Mine wasn’t as bad as what you describe but it was difficult to make the decision to get out and to implement because of some of the same reasons you mention here … telling family, perceptions, etc. I haven’t been able to write about my final days yet.
Good post! I hope that it helps people.
November 16th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Sarah, I applaud you for talking openly about this on your website. I hope it makes a difference for even one woman out there. I hope she hears you.
If only I’d had this resource in my first relationship. No one would even talk to me about it and getting out was horrifying, to say the least. I was truly on my own and I lost so much in the process of reclaiming my life. But then I found it all again. Which is exactly the point.
November 16th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Maggie - It wasn’t hard to write. I believe if you talk about things, it’s harder to feel bad about them. It happened and I did the right things to get away. I learned and I’ve taught my girls. IT FEELS GOOD. :o)
jedijawa - Yep, it’s hard to make yourself leave. Inaction is always easiest, but not always best. Aren’t you glad you aren’t still there? Talking and writing about things helps me. Judging from your blog, I’d say you’re the type that needs to write, too. Give it a try when you’re ready.
Jennifer - I hope she’ll hear me, too. The guys that do this stuff count on us not to talk about it. If I talk about it and don’t have fear, he has no hold on me. I am healed and whole and strong, and I want that for everyone else. I’m sorry for your bad time, but I’m glad you got out, too.
To anyone reading, I’ve found that when you ask for help, you usually get it. People just need to know that you need it, or that you would accept it. Give someone permission to help you — they want to.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Sarah,
My first marriage was like this and I stayed with him for 8 yrs. I kept threatening to leave, but never followed through for the reasons you mentioned, broke, family etc.. I did break free only to fall into the 2nd one but now I’m very happy. Sometimes, to me, all the suffering was worth it to get where I am now. Hopefully together you and I can both help someone. Thank you.